No More

No more eating the scraps from the table.
No more throwing yourself down, just to see if you're able.
No more waiting.
No more calculating.
No more tasting the rotten fruits of deceit.
No more breaking your own heart just to see if it still beats.
No more rolling in the hay with pigs.
No more groupies of the gigs.
No more taking the road detoured.
No more needing time explored.
No more chalking it up to live and learn.
No more intentional crash and burn.
No more running wild and scared.
No more feeling unprepared.
No more hopelessness preserved.
No more less than what you deserve.

And you know what? Fuck, I do deserve it.

The Art Dealer

I should have known
I mean really, here's the man
who spends his life
telling other people
what they're worth.

Literally.
Dollars.
Cents.
Euro, Yen, whatever
a price for every one-
what will you pay?
Everything can be bought and sold, you know

I sat.
I listened rapturously
I drank the red wine you put in front of me
and I bought it

Batted my eyes as you talked about Hong-Kong
and giggled shyly as you comment
on my delicate manner, eating tiger prawns.
Why does no one take such care like that
these days? he asks, a faded London-lilt

I feel like a fairy princess
and am already disgusted with myself
for reasons I cannot name,
but smoking one of your cigarettes,
you know, the ones from Nairobi?
Oh you've never been?
Well here, let me light you up, he says.

and I do.

In your hotel room later,
I give you my best offer
you give a twist to an empty left-hand finger
you should keep your valuables closer, I say
after all, with the price of things
ah yes, the price of everything, he says
which you know well,
you then mumble something about Renoir
and antique watches

Random thought

People call me articulate because I am very good at speaking my mind and expressing my thoughts. But I'd rather be able to say whats in my heart.

Remember

Remember
all those
times
when
it was the worst
it could ever be
remember?

Remember
when
it hurt more
than any other time before
and nothing
would be good again
remember then?

Remember
when it was late
a night
not too different
from this night
remember?

Well, it's all
gonna be alright
it's all
gonna be alright
remember?


-J

Thought for the day/night

It doesn't matter whether or not its good. It just matters that its there.

Thank you.

Sometimes really great things happen. For a really short span of time. And you think, wow, that was awesome. And then, just like that, they're gone. And you wonder, what was the point? How do I get it back? It's not fair!

Maybe. But I think, its like a preview. Or better than a preview. Its the realization of a possibility. A taste of what can be. What will be. It's like being 13 years old, and your mom drops you off at the movie theatre and you're allowed to go to the movie with your best friend all by yourself. You buy your own ticket from your own money that you take out of your pocketbook that you just started carrying. You buy whatever candy or popcorn you want, cause its your money, and no one else can tell you what to buy. You can sit anywhere you want. For a few hours, you feel like what you've always wanted to be - an adult. Free. You don't realize the freedom you already have, being 13, you just see and taste the goodness of the adulthood you so desperately want to experience. And then your mom comes to pick you up, and you go home, and you have to do everything your parents say, once again. But you wait. and you wait. And you jump for those little moments, those little opportunities where you can get a taste of that freedom again, to get you by until finally, you're a real adult, and can live that world every day of your life.

And of course, like any wish and dream and taste of our desires, when we get what we want, its not always exactly what we expect. And we think about the times before we had what we wanted, or got to where we wanted to go, and we smile, because that was a different kind of happiness, a different kind of freedom.

And so I won't ask why, or what the point was. I'll thank whatever gods may be that you gave me the best taste of whats to come. I'll hold to that, until the next opportunity arises to find it. Thank you.