Upon the occasion of the zodiac shifting

Because tonight is like every other night,
I will remember these stars.

each one
each solitary unit that burns longer
than I shall ever hope to live
I will remember looking at the twinkling
(of what is really the past)
that shines in my eyes,
forgetting Orion's belt, the Dipper's handle,
forgetting Aquarius
and the shooters that fall in magnificence.

No,
I will only remember these faithful ones
these dazzling ordinaries
un-shifting guides
that decorate my darkness

Because tonight is like any other night
when the hand of the designer
gathers them in her fist
and hurls them in might, those sentinels,
and scatters them,
leaving the warrior swordless,
the ladle melted,
I will remember these stars.

-J

What happens when you take out the -EST?

Best.
Prettiest.
Smartest.
Wealthiest.
Fastest.
Luckiest.
Nicest.
Sexiest.
Latest.
Greatest.
Happiest.

It seems counterproductive to encourage someone not to strive for any of the above. After all, haven't we been told from the cradle until now to always strive to be "our best"? We're all such fans of the idea that 'our best' exists somewhere in some Platonic form, reachable after some undetermined amount of time and effort. Some of us work like dogs every single day with a single-minded pursuit, eyes on the prize, sure of every step and setting ourselves up for the best way to get to the next step. Some of us work like dogs every single day in an effort to discover exactly what that focus should be. It may seem from the outside that the latter group is 'lost', or hasn't quite 'found their niche' or 'found their way'. I argue that neither group has, and neither group probably ever will.

Why? Because we operate on a system based on -EST words. We use these three little letters in a vain effort to measure the immeasurable. Someone's World's Sexiest Man Alive is someone else's Ugliest Person Imaginable. But, don't you think it makes said Sexiest Man Alive feel good to have that honor? They call the Valedictorian the 'smartest' person in the graduating class. What happens when the lower achieving kid goes on to make more money? Run a more successful business? Think about it - there isn't a single person I know (including myself) who doesn't feel good when the -EST is applied to something particularly important to them (You sang the BEST. You are the PRETTIEST girl I've ever seen. Isn't he the NICEST guy?)

-EST implies there is at least one other party that can't make that claim. That you've won, and that you are the very essence of whatever the -EST is attached to. It no longer becomes about 'our best' but THE best. And you know what they say about being the best - there will always be someone better. I don't care that there hasn't been another playwright like Shakespeare in 400 years, he may have been the BEST of his time, but there has been, and always will be, better (I'm gonna catch heat for that). Your life becomes about serving a need to invalidate other people in order to validate yourself (this is what I consider the very essence of competition). Most people that talk about achievement, happiness, goals, they all stress the important of 'personal best' - but underneath it all is the looming reality and unspoken truth of 'when you improve yourself, you make yourself better, so you can therefore be better than others, and maybe someday be the best.' Its not wrong to have goals, dreams, high aspirations, work hard, and dream - I'd actually think you quite an unhappy person if you didnt have any of these - but can we please, for god's sake, stop measuring the units of our success in terms of how much better we performed than someone else, how much more money we made, how many more friends we have, how many more points we scored - can we please stopped that?

I, for one, am tired of having to justify the incredible happiness of my life to those who 'have more' or 'do more'. It's not that I've 'settled' for my lot in life - far from it. The story of my life from childhood until now dictates that I shouldn't have even made it this far. And I won't stop. Because I have dreams. Beautiful, vivid dreams, goals and longings. I have this want to experience, and learn, and grow, and soak up every last bit of beautiful life that earth has to offer while I'm here. I want to take off the incredible burden of the -EST. I don't want to be the best. I just wanna....b(e).


-J

Thoughts on a fire escape overlooking Philadelphia

Everything comes with a price, and success comes with many names and faces. Nobody gets everything. Or maybe I should say, nobody gets everything all at once. You attract to yourself the things that you focus the most energy on. Sometimes at the cost of other things you want. This is why we prioritize. This is why the things we want are always within our reach. But no one is just going to hand them to us. The perfect job, a fulfilling relationship, supportive friends, a happy family - the basic things we all strive for. However, it's incredibly difficult to make all of these things #1 in our lives. If you're unhappy with one, two, or all of these categories, look at how you prioritize. Could you sacrifice a little bit of one to have more of another? Which is really most important to you right now? Are you putting your energy into something other than what is really important to you? Take inventory. Look at your actions, because they define you 99% more than anything you say or feel. You may feel pressure to have one thing, but if you truly desire something else, switch your focus. Get out there and get what you want, and cut out the meaningless crap. Check the failures and baggage at the door. Stop repeating the same stupid mistakes. Be honest with yourself, and everyone else. It's probably going to be incredibly difficult, maybe scary, and may gain the disapproval of those who don't really know you or understand you. Don't listen to them. Listen to your heart, and then react with your head. You have the ability, and have no excuses. Start small, build, and keep going, for God's sake, just keep going. You'll get there.

-J

thoughts on a balcony overlooking Madrid

I'm just like a cigarette, you keep my between your fingers, light me up anytime you wish, toss me when you finish.

A little self reflection is always good

Lately I've realized that I am the equivalent of a third grade boy when I have feelings for someone. You know the boy that used to try to wipe his boogers on you, steal stuff out of your desk, and generally poke fun at you all the time making your 8-year-old self miserable? Yeah, that meant he liked you. And he thought what he did was funny, and probably hoped you thought it was funny too. He was probably all 'hey, this school shit is so boring. Let me do something to distract both of us from it and maybe you will talk to me' and you're all like 'wtf - I'm trying to learn the capitol of Wyoming, and you're being a bitch.' Ahh young love.

As long as anyone I'm with understands this very strange way that I show affection, I think I'll be ok. I think deep down somewhere I have that gushy squishy part of my that wants to write pretty letters and make mixed CDs, but ultimately I just want someone to understand that the ultimate token of my affection is my own realization that they aren't perfect, I'm not perfect, and I'm going to exploit that fact with wit and sarcasm and celebrate in the freedom that comes with seeing an imperfect person perfectly.

Oh, and if I want to have sex with you, like, a LOT of it - that's usually a pretty good sign too.

-JC

To this day, this is still the only definition of love that makes sense

"To me, you are still nothing more than a little boy who is just like a hundred thousand other little boys. And I have no need of you. And you, on your part, have no need of me. To you, I am nothing more than a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world."
- The Little Prince

Don't be afraid to go out on a limb. That's where the fruit is.

-H. Jackson Browne.

Of course, when you go out on a limb, there's also the possibility that your own weight will cause you to fall out of the damn tree.

Tonight, I went out on a limb. I didn't do it as gracefully or smoothly as I might have liked, but I did. At this point, I'm still kind of hanging on the branch of the tree with one hand, but I haven't fallen out yet.

Regardless, I'm glad I did. Conventional wisdom and experience has always thoroughly convinced me that the best way to stay safe is to keep to yourself. Stay close to the trunk of the tree. Hold on for dear life, and you won't fall. And its true. You won't fall. Not even a little bit. You get to keep your pride and your bones intact.

What they don't tell you is that's all you really get.

I made a promise to myself a while ago to start being more honest with myself, my feelings, and my actions. Its a bigger risk, it hurts a lot more, but damnit if I'm going to be one of those people who sits around their whole life wondering 'what if?' When it comes to anything - love, career, friends, family, art - whatever. If something moves me, god dammit, I will let it move me, and I will not stand there and be this stoic and impenetrable force.

I have only one abiding rule for my life, as its stands this moment.

Don't follow the rules. Follow your heart.

-JC