Well, my blog is afterall, my life according to everyone else

"But he did not understand the price. Mortals never do. They only see the prize, their heart's desire, their dream... But the price of getting what you want, is getting what you what you once wanted."
— Neil Gaiman

Short and random thought that is no where near new or profound, but increasingly relevant to my little life at the moment: If you're gonna get what you want, you have to give up the desire to have it. And I think a lot of the time that burning, unfulfilled drive and desire can burn more brightly than the joy of actually getting what we want. And most times, the things we want, we don't actually we to have, or possess...we just want to know we can have them.

I'm toying with an idea for a story right now based on a clip I saw on CNN a couple years ago, about a supposed affliction termed 'love addiction.' It's not sex-addiction. Apparently, one can be literally 'addicted' to relationships. I used to just look at people like that and call it neediness and insecurity, but now its official: love really is a disease. I've watched my friends endlessly torture themselves over their own unrequited lovers, suffer from lack of favor from the apple of their eye, and endlessly question their worthiness and value. Morphing into another person's ideal prototype. I would think, what a pity. Spineless, you'll throw away every bit of your original self to mold to someone else's expectations or wishes. I guess I've known quite a few people you could call 'love addicts.' And then a thought dawned on me. What if it's quite possible that these people actually know themselves better than anyone else? Are truer and realer than the 'i am woman hear me roar/she don't wanna man/destiny'schildindepedentwomen ladies walking around who do yoga and backpack across Europe and have Vegas girl's-night one-night-stands to try to 'find themselves' and 'be who they really are' outside the context of a man? (PS I'm not purposefully excluding male/gay/lesbian/trans 'love addicts' - I'm just writing from my own perspective - a 'stereotypical' straight female's). Maybe the 'love addict' - the pathetic, no-spine, will-bending relationship shape-shifter, eternal people pleaser - maybe this person has more of it figured out than the rest of us. Because who are we, once it's all stripped away. Who do we become when all the things that we've decided we are, are taken away from us? What happens if all of the labels we give ourselves and all our definitions of self, all the of meaning we have constructed, down to our very own thoughts, are obliterated? And we instead we substitute someone else's reality? Someone else's ideals? Are we then supremely weak and insignificant because we have no sense of constructed identity left...or are we supremely intelligent, because now we can experience alternate reality without the prejudice of our own getting in the way?

I'm not sure that made any sense. But I think it'd be a cool idea to explore. I have to admit I have become a little bit obsessed with deconstructionism lately. I even attempted to start reading Of Grammatology but got confused as fuck and have put a pause on it until break. But I think most of the main points concerned deconstruction of language, whereas I am more fascinated by the deconstruction of thoughts/ideas/existing paradigms etc.

Blah. I need to do my actual schoolwork. Procrastination is the name of the game. Couple that with not enough time to do anything, and we've got one hell of an end of a semester....wish me luck.

-J