Sometimes I am surprised by the words that come out of my own mouth

I'm fairly certain no one reads this, so I'm going to go ahead an not care that I write about every new lover I take on.


'Just don't go falling in love or anything like that. That never really works.'

Me: 'No, don't worry. I don't wanna go through that again.'

You know what? It's absolutely true too. And I'm a fool every time I think I want different. My previous posts, written in whatever afterglow haze of a new and ignorant lover, may run contrary, but the truth really comes out at those times when you can't really stop the words from vomiting out of your mouth. Much like the ones above.

And its true. I don't want to go through all that again. And again. And again. I'm an optimistic person. I'm also quite an honest person, just not so much with myself. I don't know what love is and I don't think anyone really does either. Relationships and marriage, whatever, they have some sort of linkage with the whole idea of it but they are completely different creatures from it. Love I think is, at best, a spandrel - pretty, but not necessary - between the two neurons in our brain responsible for our sex drive and speech. Between our need to bone each other and then still have to talk to each other.

People I know in successful relationships aren't necessarily crazy in love. They just work really hard to make their partnerships work. Because that's what they want, and that's something thats important to them. I hate when people act like love is this uncontrollable force that is inflicted upon them, and then woe to you if you don't return that feeling, curse be you for existing as the object of someone else's affection that you don't return. Usually these people are the same people who are obsessed with this disgusting, archaic, media propagated version of romantic love but then when its comes to the difficult shit, they can't handle the fact that life isn't all beer and skittles. Relationships are a choice, and not that they don't have anything to do with love, but not love the way most people seem to understand it. So when I say I don't want you to send me flowers, that I think Valentine's day is stupid, or that the idea of ever, EVER planning a wedding sends me into a panic attack, its not because I'm a scrooge - it's because I get what's important in life, and should I ever decide to enter into a long term partnership with anyone, I'm going to be daydreaming about the person who will be cleaning up my puke when I'm sick, who'll leave me alone when I'm being a bitch and need to be a bitch, who's day I'll be inevitably interrupting when I get a flat tire or my car breaks down, and who will still be fucking my makeup-less, crusty-eyed, morning-breathed existence. To me, these are the highs. Bringing somebody roses doesn't say fuck about loyalty.

And, until that day comes that I decide I want that, if that day ever comes - until then, I'm going to continue meeting fascinating people and having more fun than anyone probably has any right to. Until it all blows up in my face and the shit hits the proverbial fan, and I'm back here writing about that and possibly/almost certainly contradicting myself, and trying to reconcile the blatant contradictions into things we like to call "lessons." Until then, faithful blog, until then.

-J