Thoughts on a fire escape overlooking Philadelphia

Everything comes with a price, and success comes with many names and faces. Nobody gets everything. Or maybe I should say, nobody gets everything all at once. You attract to yourself the things that you focus the most energy on. Sometimes at the cost of other things you want. This is why we prioritize. This is why the things we want are always within our reach. But no one is just going to hand them to us. The perfect job, a fulfilling relationship, supportive friends, a happy family - the basic things we all strive for. However, it's incredibly difficult to make all of these things #1 in our lives. If you're unhappy with one, two, or all of these categories, look at how you prioritize. Could you sacrifice a little bit of one to have more of another? Which is really most important to you right now? Are you putting your energy into something other than what is really important to you? Take inventory. Look at your actions, because they define you 99% more than anything you say or feel. You may feel pressure to have one thing, but if you truly desire something else, switch your focus. Get out there and get what you want, and cut out the meaningless crap. Check the failures and baggage at the door. Stop repeating the same stupid mistakes. Be honest with yourself, and everyone else. It's probably going to be incredibly difficult, maybe scary, and may gain the disapproval of those who don't really know you or understand you. Don't listen to them. Listen to your heart, and then react with your head. You have the ability, and have no excuses. Start small, build, and keep going, for God's sake, just keep going. You'll get there.

-J

thoughts on a balcony overlooking Madrid

I'm just like a cigarette, you keep my between your fingers, light me up anytime you wish, toss me when you finish.

A little self reflection is always good

Lately I've realized that I am the equivalent of a third grade boy when I have feelings for someone. You know the boy that used to try to wipe his boogers on you, steal stuff out of your desk, and generally poke fun at you all the time making your 8-year-old self miserable? Yeah, that meant he liked you. And he thought what he did was funny, and probably hoped you thought it was funny too. He was probably all 'hey, this school shit is so boring. Let me do something to distract both of us from it and maybe you will talk to me' and you're all like 'wtf - I'm trying to learn the capitol of Wyoming, and you're being a bitch.' Ahh young love.

As long as anyone I'm with understands this very strange way that I show affection, I think I'll be ok. I think deep down somewhere I have that gushy squishy part of my that wants to write pretty letters and make mixed CDs, but ultimately I just want someone to understand that the ultimate token of my affection is my own realization that they aren't perfect, I'm not perfect, and I'm going to exploit that fact with wit and sarcasm and celebrate in the freedom that comes with seeing an imperfect person perfectly.

Oh, and if I want to have sex with you, like, a LOT of it - that's usually a pretty good sign too.

-JC

To this day, this is still the only definition of love that makes sense

"To me, you are still nothing more than a little boy who is just like a hundred thousand other little boys. And I have no need of you. And you, on your part, have no need of me. To you, I am nothing more than a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world."
- The Little Prince

Don't be afraid to go out on a limb. That's where the fruit is.

-H. Jackson Browne.

Of course, when you go out on a limb, there's also the possibility that your own weight will cause you to fall out of the damn tree.

Tonight, I went out on a limb. I didn't do it as gracefully or smoothly as I might have liked, but I did. At this point, I'm still kind of hanging on the branch of the tree with one hand, but I haven't fallen out yet.

Regardless, I'm glad I did. Conventional wisdom and experience has always thoroughly convinced me that the best way to stay safe is to keep to yourself. Stay close to the trunk of the tree. Hold on for dear life, and you won't fall. And its true. You won't fall. Not even a little bit. You get to keep your pride and your bones intact.

What they don't tell you is that's all you really get.

I made a promise to myself a while ago to start being more honest with myself, my feelings, and my actions. Its a bigger risk, it hurts a lot more, but damnit if I'm going to be one of those people who sits around their whole life wondering 'what if?' When it comes to anything - love, career, friends, family, art - whatever. If something moves me, god dammit, I will let it move me, and I will not stand there and be this stoic and impenetrable force.

I have only one abiding rule for my life, as its stands this moment.

Don't follow the rules. Follow your heart.

-JC

the J.A.C.K.I.E System

My version of the D.E.N.N.I.S system, inspired by Its Always Sunny (because I felt my blog was becoming too serious - and anyone who knows me knows that I am not serious a good 97.56% of the time).

J- Jiggle the jelly to entice.
A- Act interested
C- Converse wittily and intelligently
K- Kiss passionately
I- Ignore text messages and phone calls
E- Evacuate relationship.

This is why I'm awesome.

-JC

The Moth and Flame

The moth buzzed frantic, crazed at sight,
blindly round the hot-white light
flying into doors and walls
bumbling bouncing, trembles, falls

The flame sat burning, teasing spark
'you think I'm gonna light your dark?
you got something coming, little one
let's play a game, let's have some fun'

The moth was circling faster now
closer and closer to that fiery brow
the fire just laughed and gave a flick
the moth despaired at the flame's cruel trick

'What's funny,'
said the flame with a curse
'is you need me, not the reverse'
the moth despaired and flew away
The sun would rise soon anyway

Night after night the bug chased the light
time after time the fire would fight
laughing, scorning, twisting the wings
the light knew that there would be plenty of other things

One night as the flame was doing her dance
the moth appeared in his usual stance
he said to the flame, 'I may not be smart,
I know my place, you play your part,
I know this dance is nature's way,
to make the hunter into prey'

and with a shudder of his wings he flew away

Night after night the flame blazed on
and a hundred winged creatures buzzed their songs
The moth appeared no more in sight
as if he had found another light

Then one night as the flame did burn
she saw the persistent moth return
and in an unwilling swell of heart
the core grew hotter, the heat upstart
the light would double herself in turn
to reach for the moth, she so did burn

The moth buzzed cautiously to the heat
proud of this long-awaited feat
into the closest part of the flame
the small blue center his chiefest aim

but just as he reached for her fiery hand
he felt his wings and legs disband
'no more!' he thought
in his frantic retreat,
unable to withstand the heat

The moth and the flame, forever, repeat.