This song will always be for you
The one I did not write
The one I did not sing
To you
This song will always be yours
These four lonely chords
With a bass descending,
Brings me deeper, and closer
To confronting the lonely truth
This song is yours
It will always be for you
And I only listen when
I want to imagine myself, there
On a once well-loved street,
3am, and we’re laughing
Where dry leaves now crunch
And circle around me,
Dust stinging my eyes,
As if the wind is telling me
I have no business being there
I push play, and there you are
I hum along, and you’re smiling
Looking at me from a softly-lit window
On a street where you no longer live
My feet trod where you no longer will be,
And they pound, and pound, and pound
In panic at pavement, in time with the song
I did not write for you,
As if more steps will bring me closer,
As if more time will bring you back
I’m singing your song,
The one I didn’t write for you
And I’m crying a little,
Although its very uncharacteristic
And not like me at all
But you were always doing that,
Making me human
Making me sing songs I would never write
-J
Friday, February 11, 2011
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Either way, it matters not
Your eyes might be beautiful,
but I wait to find
if that makes much difference
Your eyes might be beautiful,
but there are no colors that reflect
from intertwined shadows;
I don't see you in the light.
I don't see you at all.
You eyes might be beautiful
like Grecian marble
or onyx,
or any other variety of pleasing descriptors
that surely you've heard
a hundred times over.
I would say,
but I do not know.
You eyes might be beautiful
but I do not dare to take one glance,
I wouldn't want you to get the wrong idea.
Your eyes might be beautiful,
the most beautiful!
Of ship-launching variety,
capable of wrecking an ancient society,
but I do not look on them
and they do not look on me.
Your eyes might be beautiful,
or empty fruits, rotting
from the inside
still maintaining a pristine
shell of skin,
tricking some poor creature
into thinking them a viable crop.
Your eyes might be beautiful,
and they might not.
And many things
may be lots of other things-
but I've never been one to place my bets
in the palm
or, should I say,
they eye
of uncertainty.
-J
but I wait to find
if that makes much difference
Your eyes might be beautiful,
but there are no colors that reflect
from intertwined shadows;
I don't see you in the light.
I don't see you at all.
You eyes might be beautiful
like Grecian marble
or onyx,
or any other variety of pleasing descriptors
that surely you've heard
a hundred times over.
I would say,
but I do not know.
You eyes might be beautiful
but I do not dare to take one glance,
I wouldn't want you to get the wrong idea.
Your eyes might be beautiful,
the most beautiful!
Of ship-launching variety,
capable of wrecking an ancient society,
but I do not look on them
and they do not look on me.
Your eyes might be beautiful,
or empty fruits, rotting
from the inside
still maintaining a pristine
shell of skin,
tricking some poor creature
into thinking them a viable crop.
Your eyes might be beautiful,
and they might not.
And many things
may be lots of other things-
but I've never been one to place my bets
in the palm
or, should I say,
they eye
of uncertainty.
-J
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Sometimes I am surprised by the words that come out of my own mouth
I'm fairly certain no one reads this, so I'm going to go ahead an not care that I write about every new lover I take on.
'Just don't go falling in love or anything like that. That never really works.'
Me: 'No, don't worry. I don't wanna go through that again.'
You know what? It's absolutely true too. And I'm a fool every time I think I want different. My previous posts, written in whatever afterglow haze of a new and ignorant lover, may run contrary, but the truth really comes out at those times when you can't really stop the words from vomiting out of your mouth. Much like the ones above.
And its true. I don't want to go through all that again. And again. And again. I'm an optimistic person. I'm also quite an honest person, just not so much with myself. I don't know what love is and I don't think anyone really does either. Relationships and marriage, whatever, they have some sort of linkage with the whole idea of it but they are completely different creatures from it. Love I think is, at best, a spandrel - pretty, but not necessary - between the two neurons in our brain responsible for our sex drive and speech. Between our need to bone each other and then still have to talk to each other.
People I know in successful relationships aren't necessarily crazy in love. They just work really hard to make their partnerships work. Because that's what they want, and that's something thats important to them. I hate when people act like love is this uncontrollable force that is inflicted upon them, and then woe to you if you don't return that feeling, curse be you for existing as the object of someone else's affection that you don't return. Usually these people are the same people who are obsessed with this disgusting, archaic, media propagated version of romantic love but then when its comes to the difficult shit, they can't handle the fact that life isn't all beer and skittles. Relationships are a choice, and not that they don't have anything to do with love, but not love the way most people seem to understand it. So when I say I don't want you to send me flowers, that I think Valentine's day is stupid, or that the idea of ever, EVER planning a wedding sends me into a panic attack, its not because I'm a scrooge - it's because I get what's important in life, and should I ever decide to enter into a long term partnership with anyone, I'm going to be daydreaming about the person who will be cleaning up my puke when I'm sick, who'll leave me alone when I'm being a bitch and need to be a bitch, who's day I'll be inevitably interrupting when I get a flat tire or my car breaks down, and who will still be fucking my makeup-less, crusty-eyed, morning-breathed existence. To me, these are the highs. Bringing somebody roses doesn't say fuck about loyalty.
And, until that day comes that I decide I want that, if that day ever comes - until then, I'm going to continue meeting fascinating people and having more fun than anyone probably has any right to. Until it all blows up in my face and the shit hits the proverbial fan, and I'm back here writing about that and possibly/almost certainly contradicting myself, and trying to reconcile the blatant contradictions into things we like to call "lessons." Until then, faithful blog, until then.
-J
'Just don't go falling in love or anything like that. That never really works.'
Me: 'No, don't worry. I don't wanna go through that again.'
You know what? It's absolutely true too. And I'm a fool every time I think I want different. My previous posts, written in whatever afterglow haze of a new and ignorant lover, may run contrary, but the truth really comes out at those times when you can't really stop the words from vomiting out of your mouth. Much like the ones above.
And its true. I don't want to go through all that again. And again. And again. I'm an optimistic person. I'm also quite an honest person, just not so much with myself. I don't know what love is and I don't think anyone really does either. Relationships and marriage, whatever, they have some sort of linkage with the whole idea of it but they are completely different creatures from it. Love I think is, at best, a spandrel - pretty, but not necessary - between the two neurons in our brain responsible for our sex drive and speech. Between our need to bone each other and then still have to talk to each other.
People I know in successful relationships aren't necessarily crazy in love. They just work really hard to make their partnerships work. Because that's what they want, and that's something thats important to them. I hate when people act like love is this uncontrollable force that is inflicted upon them, and then woe to you if you don't return that feeling, curse be you for existing as the object of someone else's affection that you don't return. Usually these people are the same people who are obsessed with this disgusting, archaic, media propagated version of romantic love but then when its comes to the difficult shit, they can't handle the fact that life isn't all beer and skittles. Relationships are a choice, and not that they don't have anything to do with love, but not love the way most people seem to understand it. So when I say I don't want you to send me flowers, that I think Valentine's day is stupid, or that the idea of ever, EVER planning a wedding sends me into a panic attack, its not because I'm a scrooge - it's because I get what's important in life, and should I ever decide to enter into a long term partnership with anyone, I'm going to be daydreaming about the person who will be cleaning up my puke when I'm sick, who'll leave me alone when I'm being a bitch and need to be a bitch, who's day I'll be inevitably interrupting when I get a flat tire or my car breaks down, and who will still be fucking my makeup-less, crusty-eyed, morning-breathed existence. To me, these are the highs. Bringing somebody roses doesn't say fuck about loyalty.
And, until that day comes that I decide I want that, if that day ever comes - until then, I'm going to continue meeting fascinating people and having more fun than anyone probably has any right to. Until it all blows up in my face and the shit hits the proverbial fan, and I'm back here writing about that and possibly/almost certainly contradicting myself, and trying to reconcile the blatant contradictions into things we like to call "lessons." Until then, faithful blog, until then.
-J
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Upon the occasion of the zodiac shifting
Because tonight is like every other night,
I will remember these stars.
each one
each solitary unit that burns longer
than I shall ever hope to live
I will remember looking at the twinkling
(of what is really the past)
that shines in my eyes,
forgetting Orion's belt, the Dipper's handle,
forgetting Aquarius
and the shooters that fall in magnificence.
No,
I will only remember these faithful ones
these dazzling ordinaries
un-shifting guides
that decorate my darkness
Because tonight is like any other night
when the hand of the designer
gathers them in her fist
and hurls them in might, those sentinels,
and scatters them,
leaving the warrior swordless,
the ladle melted,
I will remember these stars.
-J
I will remember these stars.
each one
each solitary unit that burns longer
than I shall ever hope to live
I will remember looking at the twinkling
(of what is really the past)
that shines in my eyes,
forgetting Orion's belt, the Dipper's handle,
forgetting Aquarius
and the shooters that fall in magnificence.
No,
I will only remember these faithful ones
these dazzling ordinaries
un-shifting guides
that decorate my darkness
Because tonight is like any other night
when the hand of the designer
gathers them in her fist
and hurls them in might, those sentinels,
and scatters them,
leaving the warrior swordless,
the ladle melted,
I will remember these stars.
-J
Monday, January 17, 2011
What happens when you take out the -EST?
Best.
Prettiest.
Smartest.
Wealthiest.
Fastest.
Luckiest.
Nicest.
Sexiest.
Latest.
Greatest.
Happiest.
It seems counterproductive to encourage someone not to strive for any of the above. After all, haven't we been told from the cradle until now to always strive to be "our best"? We're all such fans of the idea that 'our best' exists somewhere in some Platonic form, reachable after some undetermined amount of time and effort. Some of us work like dogs every single day with a single-minded pursuit, eyes on the prize, sure of every step and setting ourselves up for the best way to get to the next step. Some of us work like dogs every single day in an effort to discover exactly what that focus should be. It may seem from the outside that the latter group is 'lost', or hasn't quite 'found their niche' or 'found their way'. I argue that neither group has, and neither group probably ever will.
Why? Because we operate on a system based on -EST words. We use these three little letters in a vain effort to measure the immeasurable. Someone's World's Sexiest Man Alive is someone else's Ugliest Person Imaginable. But, don't you think it makes said Sexiest Man Alive feel good to have that honor? They call the Valedictorian the 'smartest' person in the graduating class. What happens when the lower achieving kid goes on to make more money? Run a more successful business? Think about it - there isn't a single person I know (including myself) who doesn't feel good when the -EST is applied to something particularly important to them (You sang the BEST. You are the PRETTIEST girl I've ever seen. Isn't he the NICEST guy?)
-EST implies there is at least one other party that can't make that claim. That you've won, and that you are the very essence of whatever the -EST is attached to. It no longer becomes about 'our best' but THE best. And you know what they say about being the best - there will always be someone better. I don't care that there hasn't been another playwright like Shakespeare in 400 years, he may have been the BEST of his time, but there has been, and always will be, better (I'm gonna catch heat for that). Your life becomes about serving a need to invalidate other people in order to validate yourself (this is what I consider the very essence of competition). Most people that talk about achievement, happiness, goals, they all stress the important of 'personal best' - but underneath it all is the looming reality and unspoken truth of 'when you improve yourself, you make yourself better, so you can therefore be better than others, and maybe someday be the best.' Its not wrong to have goals, dreams, high aspirations, work hard, and dream - I'd actually think you quite an unhappy person if you didnt have any of these - but can we please, for god's sake, stop measuring the units of our success in terms of how much better we performed than someone else, how much more money we made, how many more friends we have, how many more points we scored - can we please stopped that?
I, for one, am tired of having to justify the incredible happiness of my life to those who 'have more' or 'do more'. It's not that I've 'settled' for my lot in life - far from it. The story of my life from childhood until now dictates that I shouldn't have even made it this far. And I won't stop. Because I have dreams. Beautiful, vivid dreams, goals and longings. I have this want to experience, and learn, and grow, and soak up every last bit of beautiful life that earth has to offer while I'm here. I want to take off the incredible burden of the -EST. I don't want to be the best. I just wanna....b(e).
-J
Prettiest.
Smartest.
Wealthiest.
Fastest.
Luckiest.
Nicest.
Sexiest.
Latest.
Greatest.
Happiest.
It seems counterproductive to encourage someone not to strive for any of the above. After all, haven't we been told from the cradle until now to always strive to be "our best"? We're all such fans of the idea that 'our best' exists somewhere in some Platonic form, reachable after some undetermined amount of time and effort. Some of us work like dogs every single day with a single-minded pursuit, eyes on the prize, sure of every step and setting ourselves up for the best way to get to the next step. Some of us work like dogs every single day in an effort to discover exactly what that focus should be. It may seem from the outside that the latter group is 'lost', or hasn't quite 'found their niche' or 'found their way'. I argue that neither group has, and neither group probably ever will.
Why? Because we operate on a system based on -EST words. We use these three little letters in a vain effort to measure the immeasurable. Someone's World's Sexiest Man Alive is someone else's Ugliest Person Imaginable. But, don't you think it makes said Sexiest Man Alive feel good to have that honor? They call the Valedictorian the 'smartest' person in the graduating class. What happens when the lower achieving kid goes on to make more money? Run a more successful business? Think about it - there isn't a single person I know (including myself) who doesn't feel good when the -EST is applied to something particularly important to them (You sang the BEST. You are the PRETTIEST girl I've ever seen. Isn't he the NICEST guy?)
-EST implies there is at least one other party that can't make that claim. That you've won, and that you are the very essence of whatever the -EST is attached to. It no longer becomes about 'our best' but THE best. And you know what they say about being the best - there will always be someone better. I don't care that there hasn't been another playwright like Shakespeare in 400 years, he may have been the BEST of his time, but there has been, and always will be, better (I'm gonna catch heat for that). Your life becomes about serving a need to invalidate other people in order to validate yourself (this is what I consider the very essence of competition). Most people that talk about achievement, happiness, goals, they all stress the important of 'personal best' - but underneath it all is the looming reality and unspoken truth of 'when you improve yourself, you make yourself better, so you can therefore be better than others, and maybe someday be the best.' Its not wrong to have goals, dreams, high aspirations, work hard, and dream - I'd actually think you quite an unhappy person if you didnt have any of these - but can we please, for god's sake, stop measuring the units of our success in terms of how much better we performed than someone else, how much more money we made, how many more friends we have, how many more points we scored - can we please stopped that?
I, for one, am tired of having to justify the incredible happiness of my life to those who 'have more' or 'do more'. It's not that I've 'settled' for my lot in life - far from it. The story of my life from childhood until now dictates that I shouldn't have even made it this far. And I won't stop. Because I have dreams. Beautiful, vivid dreams, goals and longings. I have this want to experience, and learn, and grow, and soak up every last bit of beautiful life that earth has to offer while I'm here. I want to take off the incredible burden of the -EST. I don't want to be the best. I just wanna....b(e).
-J
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Thoughts on a fire escape overlooking Philadelphia
Everything comes with a price, and success comes with many names and faces. Nobody gets everything. Or maybe I should say, nobody gets everything all at once. You attract to yourself the things that you focus the most energy on. Sometimes at the cost of other things you want. This is why we prioritize. This is why the things we want are always within our reach. But no one is just going to hand them to us. The perfect job, a fulfilling relationship, supportive friends, a happy family - the basic things we all strive for. However, it's incredibly difficult to make all of these things #1 in our lives. If you're unhappy with one, two, or all of these categories, look at how you prioritize. Could you sacrifice a little bit of one to have more of another? Which is really most important to you right now? Are you putting your energy into something other than what is really important to you? Take inventory. Look at your actions, because they define you 99% more than anything you say or feel. You may feel pressure to have one thing, but if you truly desire something else, switch your focus. Get out there and get what you want, and cut out the meaningless crap. Check the failures and baggage at the door. Stop repeating the same stupid mistakes. Be honest with yourself, and everyone else. It's probably going to be incredibly difficult, maybe scary, and may gain the disapproval of those who don't really know you or understand you. Don't listen to them. Listen to your heart, and then react with your head. You have the ability, and have no excuses. Start small, build, and keep going, for God's sake, just keep going. You'll get there.
-J
-J
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