thoughts on a balcony overlooking Madrid

I'm just like a cigarette, you keep my between your fingers, light me up anytime you wish, toss me when you finish.

A little self reflection is always good

Lately I've realized that I am the equivalent of a third grade boy when I have feelings for someone. You know the boy that used to try to wipe his boogers on you, steal stuff out of your desk, and generally poke fun at you all the time making your 8-year-old self miserable? Yeah, that meant he liked you. And he thought what he did was funny, and probably hoped you thought it was funny too. He was probably all 'hey, this school shit is so boring. Let me do something to distract both of us from it and maybe you will talk to me' and you're all like 'wtf - I'm trying to learn the capitol of Wyoming, and you're being a bitch.' Ahh young love.

As long as anyone I'm with understands this very strange way that I show affection, I think I'll be ok. I think deep down somewhere I have that gushy squishy part of my that wants to write pretty letters and make mixed CDs, but ultimately I just want someone to understand that the ultimate token of my affection is my own realization that they aren't perfect, I'm not perfect, and I'm going to exploit that fact with wit and sarcasm and celebrate in the freedom that comes with seeing an imperfect person perfectly.

Oh, and if I want to have sex with you, like, a LOT of it - that's usually a pretty good sign too.

-JC

To this day, this is still the only definition of love that makes sense

"To me, you are still nothing more than a little boy who is just like a hundred thousand other little boys. And I have no need of you. And you, on your part, have no need of me. To you, I am nothing more than a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world."
- The Little Prince

Don't be afraid to go out on a limb. That's where the fruit is.

-H. Jackson Browne.

Of course, when you go out on a limb, there's also the possibility that your own weight will cause you to fall out of the damn tree.

Tonight, I went out on a limb. I didn't do it as gracefully or smoothly as I might have liked, but I did. At this point, I'm still kind of hanging on the branch of the tree with one hand, but I haven't fallen out yet.

Regardless, I'm glad I did. Conventional wisdom and experience has always thoroughly convinced me that the best way to stay safe is to keep to yourself. Stay close to the trunk of the tree. Hold on for dear life, and you won't fall. And its true. You won't fall. Not even a little bit. You get to keep your pride and your bones intact.

What they don't tell you is that's all you really get.

I made a promise to myself a while ago to start being more honest with myself, my feelings, and my actions. Its a bigger risk, it hurts a lot more, but damnit if I'm going to be one of those people who sits around their whole life wondering 'what if?' When it comes to anything - love, career, friends, family, art - whatever. If something moves me, god dammit, I will let it move me, and I will not stand there and be this stoic and impenetrable force.

I have only one abiding rule for my life, as its stands this moment.

Don't follow the rules. Follow your heart.

-JC

the J.A.C.K.I.E System

My version of the D.E.N.N.I.S system, inspired by Its Always Sunny (because I felt my blog was becoming too serious - and anyone who knows me knows that I am not serious a good 97.56% of the time).

J- Jiggle the jelly to entice.
A- Act interested
C- Converse wittily and intelligently
K- Kiss passionately
I- Ignore text messages and phone calls
E- Evacuate relationship.

This is why I'm awesome.

-JC

The Moth and Flame

The moth buzzed frantic, crazed at sight,
blindly round the hot-white light
flying into doors and walls
bumbling bouncing, trembles, falls

The flame sat burning, teasing spark
'you think I'm gonna light your dark?
you got something coming, little one
let's play a game, let's have some fun'

The moth was circling faster now
closer and closer to that fiery brow
the fire just laughed and gave a flick
the moth despaired at the flame's cruel trick

'What's funny,'
said the flame with a curse
'is you need me, not the reverse'
the moth despaired and flew away
The sun would rise soon anyway

Night after night the bug chased the light
time after time the fire would fight
laughing, scorning, twisting the wings
the light knew that there would be plenty of other things

One night as the flame was doing her dance
the moth appeared in his usual stance
he said to the flame, 'I may not be smart,
I know my place, you play your part,
I know this dance is nature's way,
to make the hunter into prey'

and with a shudder of his wings he flew away

Night after night the flame blazed on
and a hundred winged creatures buzzed their songs
The moth appeared no more in sight
as if he had found another light

Then one night as the flame did burn
she saw the persistent moth return
and in an unwilling swell of heart
the core grew hotter, the heat upstart
the light would double herself in turn
to reach for the moth, she so did burn

The moth buzzed cautiously to the heat
proud of this long-awaited feat
into the closest part of the flame
the small blue center his chiefest aim

but just as he reached for her fiery hand
he felt his wings and legs disband
'no more!' he thought
in his frantic retreat,
unable to withstand the heat

The moth and the flame, forever, repeat.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation, and never missed it.

- Mae West.


Reputations. Funny things, aren't they? I think the funniest thing about them is that we can never truly, really know what our own reputation is. When I was in school, I never seemed to hear gossip about myself, so I made assumptions of my own reputation, based on my own actions. I think, as it turns out, we become the number one proponent of whatever reputation follows us around. Which, if I can guess with any accuracy what mine may have been...its not that pretty. At least, not to me now, quasi-trying-to-grow-up and become a happy, healthy adult.

Lets talk for a second about how we all do shitty things. I mean really. You know you do. There are two camps of people: those who admit it, and those who don't. Those who admit it fall into two camps: Those who celebrate and revel in it, and those who are just fucking real with themselves, and move on. Then we have those in denial, who fall into two camps: hypocrites, who talk down to people who do exactly the same kind of shitty things they do, and those who stay silent and in denial.

I've tried to be one of the not-in-denial-deal-with-it-and-get-over-it people for the most part. Sometimes, your mistakes and mishaps are truly funny and stupid learning experiences that make great and entertaining stories, and sometimes they are just plain selfish and hurtful. I've always tried to keep the world from knowing the latter, because I don't take particular pride in the ugly side of my soul. I work every single day to chip more and more away at that ugly side, but I know it exists. It exists in all of us.

I've been told I give people too much credit. This is false. It doesn't take me long once I meet someone, even someone I really like, to see the personality traits that I don't like. I see things that I know other people will dislike, things that may be immature, I see life choices I don't agree with, and I see most of the things that I know annoy the shit out of me, and most likely annoy the shit out of other people too. And, having said that, I tend to really, genuinely like most people that I meet. It's not that I exclusively see the good in people. I'm not a saint, I have no desire to be best friends with every body, but the bottom line that I feel like a lot of people miss is this: Most people that you meet have something to offer, and if you could just take off your biased, baggage-ridden, defensive glasses of superiority, you would learn a whole hell of a lot.

Do people piss me off? All the time. Do people hurt me? More than I'd like.

And usually, when I come down from my self-appointed saint cloud to lick my wounds, I end up coming to the conclusion that this person is exactly like me. I can be mad/angry/upset/annoyed, and then I remember - I am fallible. I am extremely flawed. And I have a shit ton to offer the world. And so does this person - just not maybe to me at the moment. At the end of the day, we're both going to go home to families and friends who love us because of and despite our imperfections.

SO when you hear me say the phrase - as I so often do - that I really don't care what anyone thinks about me, its true. I live my life according to my own will - both good and bad. This does not mean I give myself license to be a complete asshole and to hurt others and say 'its just the way I am' - but I do give myself license to fuck up, make it better, and learn from it without convincing myself that I am a horrible person. The older I get, the more I see how much the same we all are. And while it's fun to gossip or slag other people for their poor choices, bad attitudes, and indiscretions, at the end of the day, we know we only do it to make ourselves feel better for being the extremely fucked up creatures that we can be at times.

This does not imply that we have to take doormat status and accept bullshit from people. If you don't like a friendship, or a relationship, or whatever -ship you're in - if its causing you pain, if it's unhealthy - change it. Find a way to change it or leave. Usually, if its worth it, it can be worked out. If its not - cut ties, and I mean really cut ties. Cut out all the negativity, move on, and forget it.

I am of the opinion that the hardest person in the world to love and like is yourself. Because you know what an asshole you are sometimes, you're the only one who really sees you completely, warts and all. If you can do that, I tell you my friends, it gets way easier to do with other people. Take out your own trash before complaining how bad the neighbor's reeks.

'Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.'

And so now, on to step one for me: Taking my own advice.

-JC