I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation, and never missed it.

- Mae West.


Reputations. Funny things, aren't they? I think the funniest thing about them is that we can never truly, really know what our own reputation is. When I was in school, I never seemed to hear gossip about myself, so I made assumptions of my own reputation, based on my own actions. I think, as it turns out, we become the number one proponent of whatever reputation follows us around. Which, if I can guess with any accuracy what mine may have been...its not that pretty. At least, not to me now, quasi-trying-to-grow-up and become a happy, healthy adult.

Lets talk for a second about how we all do shitty things. I mean really. You know you do. There are two camps of people: those who admit it, and those who don't. Those who admit it fall into two camps: Those who celebrate and revel in it, and those who are just fucking real with themselves, and move on. Then we have those in denial, who fall into two camps: hypocrites, who talk down to people who do exactly the same kind of shitty things they do, and those who stay silent and in denial.

I've tried to be one of the not-in-denial-deal-with-it-and-get-over-it people for the most part. Sometimes, your mistakes and mishaps are truly funny and stupid learning experiences that make great and entertaining stories, and sometimes they are just plain selfish and hurtful. I've always tried to keep the world from knowing the latter, because I don't take particular pride in the ugly side of my soul. I work every single day to chip more and more away at that ugly side, but I know it exists. It exists in all of us.

I've been told I give people too much credit. This is false. It doesn't take me long once I meet someone, even someone I really like, to see the personality traits that I don't like. I see things that I know other people will dislike, things that may be immature, I see life choices I don't agree with, and I see most of the things that I know annoy the shit out of me, and most likely annoy the shit out of other people too. And, having said that, I tend to really, genuinely like most people that I meet. It's not that I exclusively see the good in people. I'm not a saint, I have no desire to be best friends with every body, but the bottom line that I feel like a lot of people miss is this: Most people that you meet have something to offer, and if you could just take off your biased, baggage-ridden, defensive glasses of superiority, you would learn a whole hell of a lot.

Do people piss me off? All the time. Do people hurt me? More than I'd like.

And usually, when I come down from my self-appointed saint cloud to lick my wounds, I end up coming to the conclusion that this person is exactly like me. I can be mad/angry/upset/annoyed, and then I remember - I am fallible. I am extremely flawed. And I have a shit ton to offer the world. And so does this person - just not maybe to me at the moment. At the end of the day, we're both going to go home to families and friends who love us because of and despite our imperfections.

SO when you hear me say the phrase - as I so often do - that I really don't care what anyone thinks about me, its true. I live my life according to my own will - both good and bad. This does not mean I give myself license to be a complete asshole and to hurt others and say 'its just the way I am' - but I do give myself license to fuck up, make it better, and learn from it without convincing myself that I am a horrible person. The older I get, the more I see how much the same we all are. And while it's fun to gossip or slag other people for their poor choices, bad attitudes, and indiscretions, at the end of the day, we know we only do it to make ourselves feel better for being the extremely fucked up creatures that we can be at times.

This does not imply that we have to take doormat status and accept bullshit from people. If you don't like a friendship, or a relationship, or whatever -ship you're in - if its causing you pain, if it's unhealthy - change it. Find a way to change it or leave. Usually, if its worth it, it can be worked out. If its not - cut ties, and I mean really cut ties. Cut out all the negativity, move on, and forget it.

I am of the opinion that the hardest person in the world to love and like is yourself. Because you know what an asshole you are sometimes, you're the only one who really sees you completely, warts and all. If you can do that, I tell you my friends, it gets way easier to do with other people. Take out your own trash before complaining how bad the neighbor's reeks.

'Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.'

And so now, on to step one for me: Taking my own advice.

-JC