And I think to myself

My cynicism is constantly at war with my optimism. I know that isn't unique, I'm most certainly not even close to being the only person with this conflict. I think that I need to squeeze every ounce of truth or warning out of every situation, find the lesson, learn it, and think I've done my part to protect myself against the future, and maybe even protect others. I've learned how to effectively construct all the necessary fortifications to keep myself balanced, on an even keel, and sensible. Stable. Smart.

I have a confession to make. I don't want any of that.

I want to fall. I want to spin so madly out of control and far that I don't even recognize myself. I want to be consumed with the madness, all of it. Because life is madness, and nothing else. If we deny ourselves that, we deny ourselves everything.

I have to get it off my chest. I believe in love. I believe in love the way its been passed down from its inception. I believe its worth every ounce of pain or struggle or hurt we go through in our lives. And while I've made a great sport of putting it down, brushing it aside, and giving the tsk-tsk to those who give it due value, I'm done. I quit. So I've been hurt. So what? It'll keep happening whether I believe in love or not. The only difference is, belief gives way to hope. Hope gives way to a light at the end of the tunnel, whether its actually visible, within reach, or whether its light you can only imagine, traveling from the base of a star, not yet visible to the naked eye. I scoffed love and everything that goes along with it because of my firm commitment to never settling in life. But the irony in this way of thinking is that if I continue on that path, I ultimately settle on the belief that I'm not good enough for the kind of mad, passionate, lifelong, pain-worthy, life-changing, ever-challenging love that I KNOW exists. I know it does. Not everyone experiences, but not everyone believes in it. Or thinks they'll find it. Or thinks they're worthy. I'm not in that category anymore. It doesn't matter what happens from here on out, I believe in love. I will believe in it for the rest of my life. It's not this Hollywood shit. It's serious business. It's the person who you KNOW is going to let you down thousands of times because of their undeniable humanity, and that you're going to do the same. We're all stuck here on this one earth that we have. If we decide we want someone else to muddle through it with us, to the bitter end, that in itself is exquisite and beautiful, no flowers, no scented candles and rose petals needed. I believe this exists. I believe one day, I will have it, when and if the time comes that I deserve such a responsibility.

-JC